As a child grows older and begins making cognitive decisions about their values and how they view themselves and the world around them, the Family unit has an immense and clearly irreplaceable part to play in influencing who that person will become. Dads, in particular, can often be viewed by their kids as the law or the judge, jury and executioner. When an overprotective father starts putting boundaries around his teenage girl who wants to go out to a lake house for the night with a big group of friends he knows very little about, all of the sudden this judiciary platform starts being challenged in all sorts of new ways. If he were to refuse her the permission to go he may be called Hitler, Stalin or Mussolini and be accused of being the WORST DAD EVER. A good father stands his ground amidst such fledgling accusations and potential insecurities one might experience being labelled as such.
Now the same father may put in place seemingly harsh and strict rules for his budding teenager in other areas. Lets take again the area of drug abuse. He can lay out clear boundaries and consequences for those boundaries and really drive the point home that if these rules are broken, that there will be a price to pay. However, if and when a child of this same father, the one who puts explicit parameters around their child, happens to observe that he isn't living out of the same values he is demanding of them... the result is usually catastrophic.
Do you remember that commercial in the 80's? The one with the the dad sitting his teenage son down on his bed. He confronts him and pulls out this little wooden box full of assorted drug paraphernalia in it. He begins to drill his son on where he learnt to use this stuff, all with such firm disbelief and seemingly righteous indignation. He is shocked and angry and demands an answer from his resistant and rebellious teenage boy. The son finally blurts out that iconic and unforgettable statement
"I learned it from watching you alright! I learned it from watching you!!!"
The narrator then closes with the almost as famous line "Parents who do drugs, have kids who do drugs."
Now this doesn't mean that a loving Father who walks the walk as well as talks the talk may not still have a child who rebels and does all sorts of terrible things to themselves as well as their friends and family. There is obviously no perfect way to raise a child and ensure with 100% certainty that they will never get into trouble or suffer or ever be in pain. The truth is though, this generation is in this epidemic because there isn't a strong balance of both Authority and Influence. We either have parents who shelter and squash the life out of their children or just as worse, we have parents who completely check out and leave their precious one's to their own devices to sort out what works and what doesn't.
I'm not a father yet, no wife or even a GF at this stage. Over the last 3 years or so an insatiable desire and hunger to be a loving father has been growing somewhere deep in my soul. I don't understand the difficulties yet of the balance between being the "white house" and being like “Mike” ( read my last post for reference). I do know that until God brought people into my life that brought both strong boundaries as well as amazing, loving and generous examples of a life I actually wanted to live, that I would never grow the way God intended for me to grow.
I’ve seen some pretty amazing examples of parenting over the years by some pretty incredible people. I don’t always see what happens behind closed doors and I’m sure there are moments that even the greatest of the great families wouldn’t be proud of. But I’ve had the privilege of witnessing first hand fathers and mothers who straddle the line of authority and influence with vigorous commitment. Parents who understand how crucial their roles are in the different stages of their children’s lives. It’s easy to sit back and look at our stories or our own families and point out all the times we’ve been let down or shortchanged.
I believe the enemy LOVES it when we do that.
He loves it when we look back and pinpoint all the discouragement and spend as much time as possible stewing over these things. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t dig deep into our wounded pasts and allow the Healer to get involved. God the Father is the kind of father who wants to redeem all of our hurts and pains caused by the Family. He cares deeply that a lot of us have had a bad run. His love and caring isn’t just expressed with embracing us in our pain but it goes further than that. He shows us the way forward, he shows us how to redeem the beauty of Family regardless of what has occurred in the past. He shows us how to navigate this tight rope of Authority and Influence in arguably the most crucial institution on the planet...
FAMILY
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Authority vs. Influence Pt. 2a "Family Matters"
Every Friday evening for many years as a young adolescent I would sit down in front of the TV with my mom and be whisked away into a magical fantasy land for 2 hours of family centric sitcom bliss. TGIF was a benchmark for many American families, which is really interesting to think of now that I'm not 10. How they were able to get anyone to stay home on a Friday night and watch TV instead of going bowling, eating out, going to the movies or a number of far more dynamic options is quite the feat. Each show featured in this 2 hour time block was highly focused on the family unit.
Boy Meets World
Step by Step
Full House
Family Matters
The latter two seem to be the ones that stick out to me the most from my childhood. Mary Kate and Ashely got their start here as the two twins who played Michelle and the world will never forget Steve Urkel.
If there was one thing that ABC got right in this burst of golden TV history, it was that Americans desperately wanted to see the Family unit portrayed and demonstrated on screen in a way that brought them hope and brought a sense of lightness to this incredibly critical and detrimental area. The reality during the 90s was much the same as the reality in any other decade or era, human beings are born into this broken world directly into families. Each person is here due to a male and female getting together, doing the deed and creating the opportunity for new life to come about. Whether that deed was done in marriage and a healthy life giving relationship or family structure is another question.
If you have read my previous post on Authority vs. Influence you would of observed the major difference that the area of Government plays in comparison to the area of Arts and Entertainment. One shapes us as individuals by clear boundaries and jurisdictions it creates while the other relies entirely on appeal and impact through no means of force whatsoever.
The Family sphere is an interesting one in that it actually straddles both areas of Authority and Influence. A strong family is made up of parents who create both strong and protective boundaries as well as an environment for growth and exploration by observation. The application of what the families values are based on the influence of each of the family members.
This picture is largely distorted and our current generation of young people today are faced with an epidemic of unprecedented proportions. I unfortunately am a part of this fatherless generation of young males who have been thrust into a world where Family is failing us and failing us badly. It's a broken mirror of refracted images on what is meant to be a cocoon of both protection and love.
Loving parents understand the balance between Authority and Influence in raising a child. It would only be appropriate to create strict and seemingly even harsh boundaries for a child. It would also only be appropriate as well to ensure clear consequences are communicated and delivered when necessary for children as they grow up. Rules that govern how they cross the street, whether they talk to strangers, when they go to sleep, what they are allowed to eat etc. A good parent exercises absolute control and directive power in these areas in the formative years of a child, not because they are power hungry or demand submission just so they can feel like the boss, but because they understand that each of these areas as as well as thousands of countless others demand such rigorous and even calloused dictating.
If breached or taken lightly the result could be catastrophic and even fatal. This is why when we see a mother who screams in agony at her 4 year old to prevent them from walking into a busy intersection we don't look at her with criticism or dissent. Even after she has scooped that child in her arms and lovingly embraced them, we know that the next thing that must happen is the delivery of consequences. We may not all agree on the delivery, but the most loving thing to do in this scenario is to punish and bring sharp clarity as to why she told them not to run into the street, even if the toddler doesn't immediately understand, they need to know that what they've done is very WRONG.
There is justice here, and when done with sincere and unconditional love...it's beautiful.
( Part 2b coming soon)
Boy Meets World
Step by Step
Full House
Family Matters
The latter two seem to be the ones that stick out to me the most from my childhood. Mary Kate and Ashely got their start here as the two twins who played Michelle and the world will never forget Steve Urkel.
If there was one thing that ABC got right in this burst of golden TV history, it was that Americans desperately wanted to see the Family unit portrayed and demonstrated on screen in a way that brought them hope and brought a sense of lightness to this incredibly critical and detrimental area. The reality during the 90s was much the same as the reality in any other decade or era, human beings are born into this broken world directly into families. Each person is here due to a male and female getting together, doing the deed and creating the opportunity for new life to come about. Whether that deed was done in marriage and a healthy life giving relationship or family structure is another question.
If you have read my previous post on Authority vs. Influence you would of observed the major difference that the area of Government plays in comparison to the area of Arts and Entertainment. One shapes us as individuals by clear boundaries and jurisdictions it creates while the other relies entirely on appeal and impact through no means of force whatsoever.
The Family sphere is an interesting one in that it actually straddles both areas of Authority and Influence. A strong family is made up of parents who create both strong and protective boundaries as well as an environment for growth and exploration by observation. The application of what the families values are based on the influence of each of the family members.
This picture is largely distorted and our current generation of young people today are faced with an epidemic of unprecedented proportions. I unfortunately am a part of this fatherless generation of young males who have been thrust into a world where Family is failing us and failing us badly. It's a broken mirror of refracted images on what is meant to be a cocoon of both protection and love.
Loving parents understand the balance between Authority and Influence in raising a child. It would only be appropriate to create strict and seemingly even harsh boundaries for a child. It would also only be appropriate as well to ensure clear consequences are communicated and delivered when necessary for children as they grow up. Rules that govern how they cross the street, whether they talk to strangers, when they go to sleep, what they are allowed to eat etc. A good parent exercises absolute control and directive power in these areas in the formative years of a child, not because they are power hungry or demand submission just so they can feel like the boss, but because they understand that each of these areas as as well as thousands of countless others demand such rigorous and even calloused dictating.
If breached or taken lightly the result could be catastrophic and even fatal. This is why when we see a mother who screams in agony at her 4 year old to prevent them from walking into a busy intersection we don't look at her with criticism or dissent. Even after she has scooped that child in her arms and lovingly embraced them, we know that the next thing that must happen is the delivery of consequences. We may not all agree on the delivery, but the most loving thing to do in this scenario is to punish and bring sharp clarity as to why she told them not to run into the street, even if the toddler doesn't immediately understand, they need to know that what they've done is very WRONG.
There is justice here, and when done with sincere and unconditional love...it's beautiful.
( Part 2b coming soon)
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