Holistic Hippies Pt.1

My life is full of extremes. Sometimes I wish it wasn't always this way, but mostly I think I would go crazy if my life was nominal, marginal or highly measured. I always have a sense of something HUGE around the corner, constantly anticipating the next big impossible challenge. Often the thing around the corner ends up being even way bigger than I dreamed it could of been and I'm left wondering how in Hades I got myself into that kind of situation again?

It's terrifying and I'm addicted to the terror.

This is good, mostly. As a follower of Jesus we should constantly be pushing ourselves to live out of the sense of urgency that Jesus left us with when he ascended up into the clouds. He came and did a lot of cool stuff and put into motion the cure to make this world what it was created to be. He himself started it, and he himself will in some way finish it ( bring on the eschatology mysteries). But there is this long awkward pause in between these two moments and the shocking reality is that this stage, the stage we are in now, seems to be completely, 100%, no two ways about it, left in our hands. With that understanding our lives should be to a large degree wild, reckless, abandoned and terrifying. We haven't a second to waste really. The work Jesus started is still an ongoing process that Jesus decides to entrust to US to accomplish.

YIKES! No pressure aye, Jesus?

In my short time in full time ministry thus far I've had the chance to observe quite a bit of other people who, like myself, are really attempting to live completely sold out to the call of God in our lives. Varied results would be a fair assessment, and an even fairer one would be how incredibly inconsistent I am in the midst of all my astute observations on others. As we rise and fall in our ministries and pursuits of being used by God, I don't sense that we don't want to be wildly effective or that we as followers of this amazing Jesus don't have the highest expectations of what he can do in and through us. Even with the most sincere intentions possible, it seems like it's a slippery slope of simultaneous massive success and massive failure... ALL THE TIME! I began to ask myself is this really what God has for us? Is serving him supposed to be such an imbalanced guessing game of blind faith and sheer determination?

One of my new favorite words is the word HOLISTIC. As a teenager I was very confused on what this actually meant. Whenever I saw this word it was usually on a business sign for a New Age massage/grocery store somewhere on Maui (yes, sometimes both services were offered at the same establishment). In my mind I intertwined this word holistic with things like tofu,aloe vera, dreadlocks and girls with hairy armpits. Maui has a shockingly strong Hippy presence with my hometown of Haiku and the next town down the road Paia, being the epicenter of utopian hippy paradise. Endless stories of hippy madness could be told, but that's entirely beside the point. I do feel though that growing up in such surroundings made it difficult for me to appreciate this amazing word... HOLISTIC. It surely has a much larger meaning than a massage technique or way to buy organic household groceries. Here are some pictures of the funky and iconic town of Paia, Maui.

This place is the Mecca of Hippy Living

Fairly self explanatory: Hippies got to get their hemp bracelets from somewhere

This isn't so exclusively hippy, but it's a great mixture of both local and hippy: Paia Laundromat

Main product sold here would probably be happiness

Street view of the Mecca

When God created us, he created us to be like him. He created us with an innate sense of wholeness that comes directly from HIS wholeness. Father, son, holy spirit... ONE, WHOLE, COMPLETE, PERFECT. We obviously don't currently operate in this dimension. We are broken, disjointed, shattered and incomplete. As human beings we have come to recognize more and more the complexity of what it means to be in these skin covered miracle factories called our bodies. We know that we need to look after these bodies in more ways than one. Our physical bodies need food, nourishment, rest. Our brain needs stimulation, challenge and growth. Our emotional well being is constantly being determined by the amount of love and encouragement we are receiving from those around us. Our inner spirit is constantly striving to be restored to its original design of being one with the creator.

When any one of these areas is out of line with how it was designed to function it often sets off a chain reaction that immediately affects the other areas. If we are physically sick it can make us feel emotionally drained. If we are heavily depressed emotionally we can become literally physically ill. In reverse, many studies show that when some people are terminally ill with things like cancer, the sheer power of being positive and full of life in their emotions seems to literally deter the physical ailments in their broken bodies. One of my sisters best friend growing up was a part of a huge family of like 8 other siblings. I remember as a kid hearing that this friends mom just made a mental and emotional decision after her 2nd or 3rd child that she just wasn't going to allow herself to get sick during the pregnancies anymore. No morning sickness or vomiting, NOTHING. The story goes that the next 6 children came completely vomit, discomfort and sickness free! She made a conscious and emotional decision that affected her physical symptoms. Kinda hard to imagine actually.

Jesus lived a FULL life. He lived a PERFECT life. He lived a WHOLE life. From the moment he arrived in a manger to the moment he ascended into those clouds, he was combatting and rectifying this broken and separated reality that human beings and all of creation seem to be completely subjected to. (Pt. 2 coming soon)

Parachute Pandemonium

I just finished one of the most thoroughly enthralling weekends of my young adult life. Parachute festival is an annual event held on the North Island of New Zealand right outside Hamilton. http://festival.parachutemusic.com/

It attracts upwards of 25,000 people each year with NZ and international musical acts and it was my very first multi day music festival experience. All in all the festival itself was decent, not a lot of bands that I would freak out over, but still a few that got me quite excited to see. I would like to go over the highlights of this amazing weekend by trying to list out a bunch of the INSANE things God did, way beyond watching cool bands play music to 1,000s for 30-45 minutes.

To start off, getting to NZ and participating in the festival was nothing short of a disaster. One of the most difficult preparation times i've had for anything in quite a while, halfway through the madness of trying to sort out the logistics of coming over I started to realize that God must be up to something HUGE. The broad strokes plan was to have a promo stall for YWAM and DTS, meet up with one of our current DTS outreach teams and serve the festival in security on top of running shifts in our promo tent. This kind of stuff normally shouldn't be tricky, but for some reason it was co-measurate with parting the red sea.

As soon as I got to NZ and actually arrived at the festival everything clicked and the ensuing 72+ hours were some of the most insane in my entire life. Below is a list describing some of the main events.

Thursday Night:

- Arrive at mystery creek around 8 pm after hitching multiple rides with multiple groups of people i've never met before from Auckland to Hamilton.

- Hastily set up our stall with close to no supplies like tape or any practical things. (Aesthetically challenged Stevie should NEVER be allowed to be in charge of anything of the sort)

-Attend the volunteers pre festival meeting, over 1000 people in a big room worshipping God sheepishly while Aaron Gillespie provokes us to be passionate about making Jesus public over the weekend.

-12 am find my tent and temporary home for the weekend.

Friday:

- Spend time with Jesus in the morning in our promo stall. Make a conscious decision to start each morning before the stall opens in worship and reading the word out loud, inviting God to have his way with our dinky little stall.

- God speaks to me to not spend any money of food etc. over the weekend and to trust him to provide for me the entire festival

- Half an hour later, I'm already extremely hungry and start pretending that maybe I made up the last bit. Immediately following this the ladies in the stall next door yell out over the wall... "You hungry over there? We have a whole roast chicken if you want it!"

- Meet with the DTS outreach team about how we should go about the weekend. Feel like God said for us to pray with every person that walks into our tent for his purpose and direction for their lives. Must of prayed with over 50 people over the weekend for direct, clear and prophetic words from God for their future. One of the highlights from these times included praying with a young single mom who dreamed of doing DTS and missions in school but got pregnant and then rejected by her church etc. After talking for 30 minutes or so, prayed with her and got a clear scripture from God and visions for her future. She cracked open and shared that God is pushing her now to take her 2 year old daughter this year and do a DTS, hopefully in Australia! Stories like this happened non-stop the entire festival in our stall. SO EPIC!

- Near the end of the first full day I cruise through the village where all the other stalls are set up. Saw some old friends who did dts at newy, notice TWLOHA twloha.com has a stall ( have small talk with some young interns), see that Come and Live also has a stall. http://comeandlive.com/ Rock up and immediately see the guys from Ascend the Hill http://comeandlive.com/artists/ascend-the-hill/ and Showbread http://comeandlive.com/artists/showbread/ praying with the founder Chad Johnson. I Join them in praying for the weekend and meet Chad (one of my heros of late). Make plans to get coffee with him the next day and chat up how YWAM and come and live can grow in relationship. (Check out all of the groups and bands I just mentioned... all LEGIT, just google em)

* Didn't even come close to going hungry once the whole day, completely looked after by random people all day, including multiple COFFEE'S!!!

Saturday:

- Start bright and early with worship and reading the word in our stall.

- Tons of incredible prayer times with both young and old about Gods plan and purposes for them.

- Checked out Jay Lucas' (old YWAM friends) seminar. Have lunch and catch up about life as of late.

- Have a solid connection time with Chad of Come and Live, major time of encouragement and prayer for both YWAM and Come and Live.

- Me and Chad pray with multiple kids for physical healing. Basically any person Chad saw with a crutch, cast, limp or ailment of any kind he would immediately stop and ask if we could pray for them. (For those that know me well, I am smack dab in the middle of a major wrestle in this area). Chads faith inspires me to make trusting God for healings a lot more personal.

- See 'The Chariot' for the first time. BUCKET LIST checked.

- After spending nearly 15 hours either in our stall or hanging with Chad, I attended a late night worship with the Edge/Kingsland http://www.edgekingsland.co.nz/signsoflife/ and Ascend the Hill. EPIC time. Prayed with a young guy named Tom for freedom from sexual sin and addiction. Prayed with a little girl named Faith for her tummy ache and her brother who is stuck in depression. At 12:30 AM I realize that I am a half hour late for my graveyard security shift. See a middle aged woman sheepishly standing outside a big group of people getting prayed for. God tells me to be a little more late and ask her if she's alright. She immediately blurts out that she needs a prophetic word to keep her marriage going. She shares how she's about to divorce her abusive husband. I ask God to speak something into the sitch, he does, Galatians 5:6. I pray it out and she hits the floor (literally). As she both sobs and laughs near hysterically, she begins to release years of pain and heartbreak. I find myself speechless ( for those of you that again know me well, you would know that this ins't super normal for me). I see this woman multiple times throughout the festival and each time she can't even begin to describe the weight thats been lifted off her.

- 12:45 am: Start my 6 hour graveyard security shift. AMAZING time of catching my breath and allowing God to clarify all of the things he's doing.

* Also didn't come close to going hungry once all day.

Sunday:

- Sleep for a little over 2 hours from 6:30- 8:30

- Wake up feeling absolutely WRECKED. Still push through and start morning worshipping and asking God to give me strength to end festival well.

- YWAM Tauranga guys show up and say they can man stall for pretty much the whole day.

- While hanging out with at the Come and Live tent a mom and her extremely handicapped son (caleb) come and ask for prayer. Chad prays with confidence and authority. I hesitate to pray initially but then decided to allow the compassion I was feeling for Caleb to be poured out through prayer for the pain to subside from Caleb's tormented body. Caleb says that the pain went from an 8 to a 4 while we prayed.

- Pass out in a near coma, two hour nap at some point in the afternoon.

- Wake up zombieish and spend some time in our stall, directional prayers for many are prayed. Young Tom comes and hangs out and we pray for his band to be able to go on tour and tell kids about Jesus.

- Run into caleb and his mom ( karen) around 10:30 PM. Caleb tells me that he wasn't telling the truth about the pain going from and 8 to 4 earlier, he said he felt guilty about being honest when we prayed earlier cause he didn't want us to be disappointed. ( theological head spin continues). Karen (mom) tells me that for some reason when I prayed something clicked in her heart. She goes on to tell me that she had another son with the same condition already die and is unwilling to let go of faith that God will touch and heal caleb. ( I barely hold back from sobbing hysterically). She then asks me about my life, tell her I'm with YWAM etc. and am here on holidays. She says "you look tired" I tell her my mental weekend so far. She offers for me to stay at their holiday home in Lake Taupo after the festival. I tell her that I don't have any transport, she says, "Oh, thats alright, my brother is a pilot and has a private plane. I'm gonna make some calls and see if he can fly you down for a few days!!!" ( yeah, not even kidding here, SILLY STUFF!)

- See the Chariot play again, way better then the first time.

* Fed all day, at one point I got pretty hungry and was starting to get a little nervous. At the peak of my hunger one of the come and live guys slipped $20 into my hoodie pocket.

Monday:

- Start last day with worship and the word

- Caleb and Karen mozy on over to our YWAM tent. Spend some time praying and chatting. As she leaves tent she slips me $50 (SO RIDICULOUS!!!)

- Pray with young married couple I had met with the come and live guys. After hanging out off and on all weekend realize that she is an old friends (bunji) little sister.

- Pack up the stall, say goodbye to Jesse and the DTS outreach team.

- An old DTS student from 2004 who was selling stuff at festival comes up and says "you dropped something out of your pocket" Then proceeds to slip $100 in my back pocket.

- Pack up my gear into a little burgundy volvo station wagon belonging to a young married couple I met the first day of the festival. Drive up to their house in Auckland where they offer to put me up until I make the next connection.

* Fed all day. Meat pies to gourmet risotto. Tip top ice cream blows my mind.

Tuesday:

- Surf for the first time in NZ at north Piha beach. HUGE closeouts, lots of paddling and duck diving.

- See much of the Auckland west coast, absolutely blown away by the beauty of Gods creation.

Wednesday:

- Currently sitting in a Queen st. cafe in downtown auckland. Absolutely flabbergasted by the grace of the Almighty God. Crying as I write out caleb's journey. Really confused on how I came out "on top" after praying with him, and that he still is in non stop agonizing pain. Trusting God to get me to Tauranga tomorrow for a Come and Live event and then spend the next 10 days with one of the most important families in my entire life (dawsons). Giving God every burden and hurt and pain from an interesting 2011. Finding myself literally wanting to jump out of my skin for the amazing things he is already doing and wants to do in 2012.

I hope that this little list of some of the more clear highlights from this weekend inspire and encourage you. Through reflecting on all that happened I'm shocked at the simplicity of hearing and obeying God. He truly knows what's best and wants us to experience this kind of freedom ALL THE TIME! I pray that you will begin, or continue, to trust him with every single part of you life. God bless.

Best of 2011

What a year that was!!! I was stretched, challenged, overwhelmed with friendship and blown away by the opportunities God put before me. Big year personally and just as equally massive was the amount of quality things I read,watched and listened to. Here is a list of the top things that impacted me last year. Not all were necessarily released in 2011, but were possibly things I finally got my hands on last year.


Tunes:
Where to even begin. HUGE year for mind-blowing music. I will attempt to keep the list small and labor on what's so amazing about the albums I've chosen.


#1 Album of 2011


'Bon Iver' by Bon Iver

Simply put... I'm not sure if I've ever heard a more beautiful piece of music in my short time on this planet. The composition of the melodies and wide range of instruments matched with Justin Vernon's insanely unique tone and range vocally... it just really can't be beaten. The only minor lack ( and I mean extremely minor) would be lyrical content. It's not drab or low quality, it's a little transcendent at times. If transcendent is a word that works here? I wouldn't say that when I listen to the album ( which honestly must of been upward of multiple hundreds of times) I connected strongly with the message of the song and would even go as far to say that most songs are so artsy and personal that a clear message is not easy to be defined. Nonetheless this gets my pick as best album of the year.

#2 Album of 2011

'Stuck in the city' by Brandon Reid

http://brandonreid.bandcamp.com/

You've probably never heard of this guy unless you are a YWAM Newcastle affiliate of the last 2 years. To say he deserves your listening ear would be the biggest understatement of 2011. He was a distant friend of my buddy Jeremy Earnshaw who passed away in 2008. Hailing from Fairbanks, Brandon strolled through our community in 2010 after Jeremy's parents informed us that he was hitch hiking around oz looking for couches to sleep on. One of the strangest and eccentric dudes I've met in a while for sure, I still to this day have never seen a pair of shoes on his feet. Nonetheless, the guy is an absolute song-writing genius!!! This album came out late in the year and it completely blew my mind. The blend of americana and his INSANELY clear melodic voice, coupled with his ability to write lyrics that make you feel like you actually want to live in the Old West and start a farm provides the most surprising album I've ever listened to. The only way to describe how much I've enjoyed this album is to use the word obsessive, it got to the point that if I didn't listen to it for more than a day or two I started feeling withdrawls.


#3 Album of 2011


'Major/Minor' by Thrice

Thrice has cemented themselves as pretty much my super band. Nearly untouchable in being the most well rounded and progressive group I've even listened to. This album may not be their masterpiece (which is nearly impossible to say that any one of their previous ones can be decided upon as one as well) but would get my vote for most complete lyrical work by Dustin Kensrue thus far. ABSOLUTELY MIND BLOWINGLY PENETRATING LYRICS. From the opening line to the closing one, this album wreaks of literary genius. The music is also exquisite.

#4 Album of 2011


'El camino' by The Black Keys

ROCK n ROLL lives on! Their previous record 'Brothers' was arguably the best piece of modern rock and roll I had ever listened to. Though this album barely snuck it's way into 2011 it completely deserves the title of best rock and roll album of 2011. Wildly imaginative guitar riffs and ridiculously catchy lyrics and melodies. I can't get enough of this album, it truly is rock and roll magic.

#5 Album of 2011


'Mylo Xyloto' by Coldplay

How could a new Coldplay album not make my top 5? Immediately from the opening track 'Hurts like heaven' you can tell that something new is afoot from the kings of modern alternative rock. The major addition of heavy synth was not loved by all fans, but I found it totally acceptable and even welcome. The first 5 songs of the album are almost complete in and of themselves with ' Us against the world' landing itself in my top 5 Coldplay songs of all time.

Honorable mentions:
'Pala' by Friendly Fires: Pure dance/pop bliss
'21' by Adele: Best Female vocalist around at the moment IMO
'Signs of life EP' by Edge Kingsland: potentially best worship EP i've ever had
'Space face' by Margo May: Old friend through YWAM, Kansas City melody queen
'Little Hell' by City and Color: Dallas Green is the king of beautiful melodies




Books:


I've fallen more and more in love with reading over the past 5 years or so. I read a few great books this last year.


#1 book of 2011


'A million miles in a thousand years' by Donald Miller

Simply breathtaking storytelling. Donald Miller has emerged as my biggest inspiration in how to weave heartfelt honestly and vulnerability with natural unforced humor. This book challenged me thoroughly to want to wake up and make everyday count. The premise is simple but thoroughly profound and impacting to anyone who would pick it up and give it a real read. I dare you to read this and not dream about how you can change the world.

#2 book of 2011


'Life together' by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

This one barely snuck into 2011 for me. I still technically haven't finished it. I got it as a Christmas present and immediately dug deep into the amazing insight and clarity on what it looks like to function in community in a way that goes beyond mere appreciation. Bonhoeffer is the guru of presenting, in excruciating detail, the scriptural truth in a way that penetrates through cultural and seasonal confusion. If you are apart of, have been apart of or ever plan to be apart of a community that you want Jesus to use in a healthy and powerful way, this book is a must read.

# 3 book of 2011


'Fast Food Nation' by Eric Schlosser

I know this book came out many years ago, I finally got around to reading it in 2011. Witty, shocking and honest. Highly impacting read. It didn't feel preachy and never felt like it watered down the message in order to keep my attention. I'm slowly becoming someone who actually desires to eat healthy and steward my body in a way that God intends for me to. This book has been highly motivating in that regard.

Movies:
I consider myself a movie enthusiast. While heavy dramas would definitely get my pick as preferred watching I would definitely say I still appreciate a wide variety of other categories of film. Really I love almost all genres bar Romantic/Comedies, I could go the rest of my life without ever sitting through another 'Hitch' or 'Sweet home alabama'. Luckily 2011 cranked out quality in other areas.

#1 movie of 2011


'Trust' directed by David Schwimmer

Probably the sickest I've ever felt in a movie. The shocking reality of online communication and the naivety of both young people and their parents are mercilessly exposed in this painful movie. Impeccable acting and an uncompromising storyline, this film delivers a major wake up call to those who see mainstream media and advertising as unimportant or trivial. Some found it too graphic and harsh, but I left this film feeling a major dose of the Father's love/agony for his children. Bringing the truth into the light isn't always simple, but this film gives one of todays most slippery areas a major kick in the pants.

#2 movie of 2011


'Super 8' directed by J.J. Abrams

I became a sold out J.J. fan almost 8 years ago when 'Lost' completely consumed my appreciation for modern television programming. Super 8 is the perfect blend of suspense, action, humor and heartfelt character dialog. It was the 'Goonies' meets 'Jurassic Park' in some ways for me, blending brilliant teenage boy dialog with gripping in your face action sequences. The train crash sequence was absolutely perfect.

#3 movie of 2011


'Bridesmaids' directed by Paul Feig

Guilty pleasure. Highly offensive to many,understandably so. This movie was a classic Lujan family comedy. Kristen Wiig is an absolute genius performer to me, and this movie cements her as a genuine leading character. I found myself laughing painfully hard many, many times with Melissa McCarthy's performance going down as one of my favorite quirky characters since Galifnakis in 'The Hangover'.

Ghosts of Christmas past

So, Christmas has come and gone once again. Celebrating it for the 27th time, I still feel there is much more mileage to get out of the richness of the occasion. Each year now feels to be just beginning to scratch the surface. This year has been such an unexpected and profound journey of both personal reflection and simultaneous outward projection of what Jesus means to me.

I still find it difficult to separate the past from the present though.

Over the years I have grown into a richer and fuller understanding of God's amazing breadth and depth of love through Jesus. Particularly at this time of the year though, I still find myself struggling to separate the hope of things to come from the pain of previous loss.

Honestly as much as I love Christmas, I have realized the last few years that I get slightly uneasy around this time of year. The big picture stuff is all in place for me. I fully get the gravity of this season. An all powerful being who made everything we can see, touch, smell, feel, etc., deciding to come and be "WITH US" is truly the most exceptional thing that has ever happened since we were formed out of some dirt (guys) and human bone (girls) way back when, when all THIS came into being. Beyond that broad stroked appreciation, sifting through Christmas on a very ME level has very mixed emotions.

I became more aware of the WHY last Thanksgiving. I spent it with my sister Rebecca and her beautiful family in Florida. We began talking about how at a very young age nearly ever year I would have these random health episodes on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. A couple times I had critical asthma attacks that would land me in the emergency room. Another year I got the flu so bad that my family, being completely overwhelmed by the amount of vomit being emitted from my tiny body, accidentally overdosed me on suppositories! If you don't know what a suppository is, I'll spare you the details. The overdose led to me having a severe allergic reaction to the drugs within, sending my minuscule little 5 or 6 year old body into random spasms, and my neck would crink over to the side semi-permanently on and off for hours at a time. This naturally led to me and my family spending the "funnest" day of the year in the emergency room again.

You might think it was all a case of bad luck. Why Christmas over and over again? What a coincidence!

Right?

My sister and I started talking about this and came to a more concise conclusion than mere chance. You see, the Christmas before all this started happening a much more traumatic and catastrophic thing happened to me and my family. My parents, who had been fighting and barely hanging on to their marriage, decided to separate a few weeks before Christmas. My Mom took me and my sisters to my grandparents in California last minute where we spent our first Christmas without Dad. This obviously would have been sad and dramatic at the time, but I was too young to really soak in what was really happening. I'm sure for the rest of the family it was a terribly difficult time.

I actually remember it being really fun spending Christmas in the cold for the first time. I remember laughing,singing and dancing with my cousins who I didn't know well but was able to grow in love with them over that Christmas. I remember putting popcorn on a string and putting it around the massive Christmas tree my grandparents had in their giant living room. There was no way we could do this in Hawaii due to ants and cockroaches. I was amazed that such commonplace critters "go away" in the winter in other parts of the world. I remember my Uncle got my cousins a train set and a R/C car track. I was so jealous, but managed to get a few turns in on the R/C track. I remember my sisters and cousins put together a talent night of sorts, which consisted mostly of them lip syncing and dancing horribly to Paula Abdul (those songs are burned in my memory decades later, and I don't even like Paula Abdul). I'm pretty sure video footage of said talent night exists somewhere out in the vast galaxy of cardboard boxed Lujan memorabilia.

As I sat and reflected with my sister last Thanksgiving I realized this was and is my first cognitive Christmas memory. The year before our family took a trip to Washington and Whistler around Christmas time, and I only have a few snapshots of memories from that trip. One is being in snow for the first time in my life (to this day I have only been in snow maybe one or two other times). The other clear memory is being pushed down a massive flight of frozen stairs by my very caring and attentive sisters and smashing face first into a car bumper at the bottom of the hill. I remember coming to consciousness a few moments later and my dad carrying me through the snow back to our cabin and telling me I was going to be ok.

But these memories are without any clear, classic Christmas imagery. No going through our stockings Christmas Eve, no gathering around the tree and opening presents Christmas morning, no carols, no hot chocolate, no decorating the tree, none of that kind of stuff.

That all came the next year, minus one incredibly important detail...

DAD!

My first cognitive Christmas memories are all great and warm and fun, but they are missing arguably the most important piece of the puzzle. I didn't know it at the time, and didn't really put that piece together until last Thanksgiving, but as much as those memories with my grandparents and my cousins were amazing, I think deep down I knew something was drastically wrong. My sister shared that knowing now the full trauma and disconnect that occurred over my parents divorce, the cause of all those physical reactions at Christmas time were directly related to the deep psychological and spiritual trauma I experienced when Mom and Dad split up that fateful Christmas in the late 1980s. My little boy body was trying to catch up with the pain that was occurring under the surface.

I found myself in that moment realizing, as we discussed quite lightheartedly and cavalier the actual heartbreaking reality of my childhood, that she was absolutely right and that my current tension and struggle with Christmas in the present are completely intertwined with those haunting memories. I am finding myself also more and more compelled to understand that I, like everyone else on this planet, have a responsibility to make a choice to either allow these things to be reconciled or to allow them to brew and boil year in year out and live out of that reality.

Sometimes it feels that there is no other reality to live out of. "It's all I've ever known" we tell ourselves.

But... as a believer in the real story of Christmas I need to take a sobering approach to such viewpoints. As much as I have allowed this Jesus to change my life and the way I view the world around me, I also still need to allow him to impact my past and where i've come from. Remembering that God came to be WITH ME when I was thirteen and desperately needed to know the love of a father, It seems so logical NOW, so elementary. It changed me then and it continues to change me now.

The thing is, it doesn't erase what occurred THEN. Those memories are still real and the pain and trauma attached didn't go away just because I prayed a prayer in an old kim chee factory almost 15 years ago in Kalihi Valley. I knew that God cared then, that he wasn't removed or unaffected by my pain. I found him to be someone who spoke clearly into the deepest parts of my soul, and that he cried and grieved those awful moments of my early childhood.

It feels like the only natural response we can do when we have these encounters with the Emmanuel God is to just toss up all this hurt to him and hope that we never need to revisit them again. Those moments when he shares with us that he was there in the midst of all our hurt and pain feels like a giant release valve that we hopefully never have to release again. We like to believe that a spiritual sort of memory wipe occurs.

I'm not quite sure this is what God has in mind though. He isn't the kind of God who wants to completely remove me from my past. As much as he hates that certain things have happened to me, he is BIG enough and WITH ME enough NOW to redeem all of that into a beautiful story that reeks of his faithfulness and healing power. Not a healing power that requires a spiritual and emotional lobotomy, but one that is fierce and wild enough to stand with and hold you while you wail, kick and scream about the deepest and darkest corners of your past. To me, this is the Christmas story at it most raw and vulnerable.

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth."

This is why Christmas really should be the most wonderful time of the year. All the things we do, which some Christians would say are pagan, can be redeemed FULLY to scream and shout this amazing truth.

Let the lights be bright, let the trees be glitzy, let the tinsel shine, let the stockings bulge, let the turkeys glisten, let boxes under the tree overflow, let carols be sung sweetly... let this all happen and more if they are done in such a way as to remind what God proved to us all those centuries ago.

Let it impact us NOW, and let it impact us for the THEN, for the things we wish never happened.

The choice I make now won't be made for me. I can pretend the symbolism around me this season points to the truth of who God is. To pretend that I live in a way that says I am whole and I am found.

Or I can choose to allow God to dig deep into who I am NOW through my past, present and into my future, radically shaping and forming me through things I want so badly to have never occurred. Through this God shows me that he is still true, that I can still know that this is the truth of who I am NOW even though sometimes it doesn't always feel that way.

This year I broke out of a funk that I have tried to break out of many times. I decided not to let my own expectations of what I wish happened THEN to affect the way I loved others around me NOW.

Gift giving is something that my family wasn't terrible at, but we weren't really great at either. My mom would make a massive effort every year to give us as much gifts as possible, but it was always a stretch to say the least. The last few years I would sit and hope that others would come and rescue Christmas for me. This year, with a help of a few friends, I broke out of that and decided to take on the reality of what God modeled for me through Christmas:

To give out of a sense of love and sacrifice and not out of obligation or guilt.

What a privilege it is to live life out of that reality!

We have these types of choices to make all the time, to live out of the old reality or the new reality. Christmas is a great, exaggerated season that confronts whether we believe and live out of the reality that God came to BE WITH US.

I gave out more presents this year than I ever have. I spent an exponentially greater time than ever before crafting and laboring sentiments to tell others that I'm grateful for them in my life. I also received gifts as well. One in particular that really deserves more gratitude.It's not a gift that you open up, freak out and jump up and down in screaming Jubilation over. It should be more like that, and if you're anything like me it doesn't always get expressed that way. Sure, it has its brief expressions of over the top appreciation and happiness, but deep down I know that it deserves more.

This Christmas I am pleased to say that the greatest gift I've received is learning how to appreciate more the one I've already received. It's the gift that keeps on giving, it's the gift that makes me scream in joy and the one that walks me through dark sorrow.

JESUS, the God who is WITH.

When the credits roll

Following Jesus is amazing. Not just talking ABOUT him and what he said and did thousands of years ago, but actually following him in a real and personal way, day in day out.

It's such a privilege.

At the same time, following Jesus is extremely difficult though... isn't it?

Denying yourself...
Humbling yourself...
Over and over again...
So that OTHERS might be blessed... it's no small task.

I feel like you can break down the christian "conversion" experience into two broad categories or phases. The first one is the one we hear about all the time. The good stuff. The gospel message of Jesus Christ dying to make all things right. It's applicable to every human being who ever was and ever will be. The cross resonates with all of humanity because their is an internal sense in all of us that we are broken. That brokenness is undeniable across the entire world and all throughout history. It might not be the exact feeling or process of restoration with every person who has responded to this gospel, but universally it carries the same effect and tone.

I was lost and now I'm found.

This is the stuff we like. It really is good news! It draws humanity in, and when it's understood, it almost seems too good to be true. When we realize the consequences for our decisions and our sins, when we actually feel the weight of it and realize that something can be done beyond us to change that... well, there really are no words to describe it.

We use the word GRACE, and it truly is amazing.

When we realize this grace, we're stuck with questions like...

"How could this actually be?I'm so undeserving!"
"How could anyone love me like this, let alone the creator of all things?"

We can feel perplexed, and although we don't understand it all, we are captivated and drawn in by the sheer madness of a kind of love that can actually make us whole.

The second phase I feel like is realized by many but partaken in by very few. This is the phase when you realize that the reconciliation you've experienced, the one that took your breath away and swept you off your feet, isn't intended for a solitary moment of awe and wonder. When we see that the price Jesus paid wasn't JUST TO GET US OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE. It's easy to treat that moment of Jesus on the cross as the POINT of everything.

Like we were created just so we could be forgiven.

We want to treat that moment like we want to savor that last scene in any cheesy romantic comedy we watch where the guy travels across the country, drops everything in his life and professes his love in front of a full airport terminal. The girl is faced with a choice, and we marvel and wait on the edge our seat as she decides on whether or not she accepts. The moment she does, he sweeps her off her feet, they lock lips and everyone sighs and reaches for the conveniently placed handkerchief to wipe away the tears of joy.

Love isn't really like this, though.

Well, at least for me anyways, it hasn't been.

You never get to see reality in these movies - the time when these same two characters that are in that moment caught in the middle of a fairytale are later arguing on where to go to dinner on their anniversary and it turns into a massive fight and they spend it alone. The time when the mortgage looms insurmountably and there isn't enough funds in the bank account to cover it. The time when the guy is sick of taking out the trash and the girl is tired of being overlooked by football.

Reality doesn't crescendo the way we'd like life to.

Maybe I'm bitter or jaded, but I've never made out with a girl in an airport terminal. I've never even come close to anything like that. I came close once to dropping everything in my life and driving 18 hours to profess my love to a girl. I was visiting my sister in Florida during thanksgiving and thought I had met the girl of my dreams. She was gorgeous, smart, said all the right things and I was smitten. I asked my sister if I could borrow her car to drive interstate so I could lay it all out on the line. I imagined showing up to this girls house, pulling up her driveway, getting out of the car and spewing out my feelings for her on her victorian style porch. I imagined her being breathless and having her welcome me in for left over turkey with her family. I'd seen scenes like this in countless movies, so I started telling myself that it's MY time. Time for MY dreams to come true. In the end though, I didn't go. I held back and played it cool. I decided against it and no gas station encounter in the rain was had. Nothing to write home about.

I'm still waiting for that "moment" I suppose.

The disappointment caused by these moments, or lack thereof, makes me wonder things like what if I wait for a while for it to "happen" to me and it never does? What if I fantasize about it for so long that I miss what's happening right in front of me? I start to wonder if I'll be able to survive life without the dream of being wrapped up in something so grand like that.

Like what I see in the movies.

I'm starting to see my relationship with Jesus in a really similar way. This second phase I mentioned is not really like the first phase at all. I desperately want it to be though. I want to have Jesus sweep me off my feet and to feel like everything will be ok again. I want to feel like I did when I was 13 and opened my heart to him for the first time. When I realized that God was the father I SOOOO desperately had been craving my whole life. I want that moment to be played over and over again, to just keep hitting rewind on the remote control of my life.

I like that moment. I long for that moment. Not just a memory, but as something that I still want more of... because that moment is a good one. It was real then. It meant something then and somehow now it feels like a fantasy, all in the same breath. I want that moment much more than the moment I'm having right now. The moment I'm in right now doesn't feel anything like that moment, or the many other one's I've had where I was in awe of the grace of God. This moment right now feels...

Well it feels boring to be honest.

It feels boring and at the same time I feel overwhelmed by it all. A weird paradox of being overwhelmed by the nothingness of life. These moments are the ones that scare us away from continuing on in this "conversion" experience, this second phase. It's what we do after the airport terminal scene that scares us more than the lead up to that moment. What do we do when life is "normal" again?

Terrifying thought really.

You see Jesus does call us into this grand, sweeping, epic masterpiece. The first phase is that EPIC. And well, the second phase is too, but it doesn't always feel that way. It's because the second is less about the "moment" of finding Jesus and more about the journey of following him.

Jesus on the cross is what we want to see right before the end of the movie.That moment is something we long for because we all need it. We all need and long for that kind of love.

Following Jesus is different than falling in love with him though. Following him requires a lot more commitment. Jesus teaching us how to love our enemies and have unity amongst those in our church. Jesus telling us to turn the other cheek. Jesus telling us to sell everything we own. Jesus telling us to be generous until it hurts. Jesus asking us to deny ourselves daily and follow his example of complete sacrifice and surrender.

We treat these things like the monotonous bit we walk out of during the credits after the movie is over. It's sad though because the people making the film are the one's that deserve the credit for what we just enjoyed, but rarely do they get the acknowledgment they deserve.

The key grips, the best boy grips, the dolly grips, the caterers, the prop directors, the sound engineers... you know, the one's who actually make the magic happen.

Without them, there is no story. And without doing the things Jesus calls us to in following him, there is no REAL story. Not according to Jesus anyways. Hitting the rewind button on him on the cross over and over just isn't what he had in mind.

I've been observing a lot of heartache and distress in many of the marriages around me. I'm sure that these current marriages aren't any different than one's I was around when I was younger. I guess I am just much more aware of the "realness" involved in cleaving to another human being for the rest of your life.

At 27 years old, its staring to feel like I am becoming a endangered species amongst my closest friends that I grew up with. I am on the "never married" list, and there doesn't seem to be many others there with me. The funny thing though is that I don't actually long for it like I used to. I don't wake up feeling like I'm missing out on the most important thing in the universe by not being married right now. Don't get me wrong, a LARGE part of me deep downs wants to wake up tomorrow and have another warm body laying next to me, but the last 2 years have opened my eyes hugely to the calamity that is marriage.

Many divorces, much more than I'd like to cope with, have gone down with some of my closest friends in the world. Many other marriages seem to be hanging on by a thread. All my married friends and family tell me, in great detail, how difficult it really is to walk this thing out.

They also tell me how worth it is...well some of them do anyways. Some of them don't even have to tell me in words how worth it it is - the beautiful children running around laughing and singing make it painfully clear.

It's super obvious to me now that the pain in marriage can produce some of the most beautiful things imaginable.
It's also super obvious to me that the pain in marriage can also be unbearable.

The thing i'm trying to convince myself of more than anything else is that following Jesus is worth it. Not just worth it when I feel like it, though. Telling him I love him when he's removed the boulder crushing the life out of me isn't really all that difficult. Telling him I love him when he asks me to forgive that person who consistently hurts me is another story.

I don't want to fall in love with Jesus in the airport terminal and not still be in love with him 20 years later when I need to take the trash to the end of the driveway at midnight.

I want him to know that once everyone else has left the theater and there is no one else around that I'll be there to clean up all the popcorn on the floor and scrape the used bubble gum from under the seats.

I want to treat the MOMENT of HIM accepting ME the way it deserves to be treated. Treat it like it demands a life long covenant of being faithful to him no matter what happens.

I want to let that commitment produce beautiful things in my life that would not be possible on my own.
I want him to know that I'm in for the long haul not just because it's the "right" thing to do...

But just because I love him.

Here's the situation

*Written on August 5, 2011

I currently am, as I'm writing this, on a greyhound bus service from Los Angeles to Sacramento. The journey that got me to getting on this bus is nothing short of a modern day catastrophe,so I'll spare you the details. The contents of this bus ride will suffice for enough human drama anyhow. I'm 45 minutes from my destination, the destination being FAMILY and the most gorgeous girls I know alive on this planet.

Ellie, maile and chloe. ( I know other one's as well, one is Florida and unfortunately won't see her this trip)

My nieces who I never see have spurred me on through what is unarguably the most horrendous traveling experience I have ever had, which is a big statement considering my life to date. The past 5 days would best be described as a train-wreck similar to the one I recently saw in the delightful move "Super 8".

The past 12 hours have been a bit of a highlight though.

Today's journey began at 11 am in Santa Ana Orange County. I was nervous from the get go because anything that could of gone wrong literally had gone wrong up to that point. The bus that I was supposed to catch the night before at 10 PM decided it didn't want to show up, so I was a little skeptical to say the least that today was going to go swimmingly. The 11 am bus did show up but it was "FULL". They took 2 passengers on and left 30 FUMING angry Orange County passengers behind, I was number 29 I suppose. An hour later a bus arrives and takes us to the LA depot where I'm sure that the bus transfer to Sacramento I was meant to get on would of left, but much to my "surprise" (short lived) that bus was also running late and I didn't miss it.

I get on the bus and find out that there is power for laptops and free wi-fi! Cha ching. First real break all week. I have watched Colbert report on hulu, facebook chatted and skyped with friends on and off all day, pretty stinking cool actually.

About 3 hours into the journey we come to a slow death crawl and for the next 3 hours inch our way through the desert at 5 MPH. People on the bus start getting restless. I find myself sitting next to a latino young man, probably in his early twenties. In between playing dr. dre and t-pain on his phone (no, not through his head phones, straight up out of his speakers) I get to listen to him talk to his girlfriend and family about smoking weed and other unmentionable subject matter. We get to talking here and there and he tells me he lives in Oregon and has a medicinal marijuana card. He laughingly tells me how easy it was for him to get in his home state.

Liberal "freedom" working on all cylinders there.

The guy was a bit much really, but at the same time he was alright.

About 6 hours into this fiasco of a drive people start complaining that the driver is going too slow, not just murmuring though, straight up yelling from the back of the bus to the driver way up front so he could hear them. The driver at one point pulls over and says

"Does anyone want bottled water from under the bus?"

Everyone darts their hands up and says...

"Hell's yeah".

After driving 5 mph through the arid dry desert in the middle of the summer, it was more than understandable. He pops back on the bus a minute later and says...

"Sorry, false alarm. We ran out!"

Profanities in all sorts of accents are heaved his way. Latino, african american, straight up white dudes, even the nice quiet chinese couple sitting behind me chime in a little discontentment under their breaths. People would occasionally throughout the trip walk up to the front of the bus and express their anguish to the back of his head and he eventually got on the loud speaker and said...

"If one more person disturbs me while I'm driving... I'm gonna pull this bus over." Hilarious!

7 hours in and we finally stop for a food break. This particular stop was meant to be 3 hours into the ride, so everyone stampedes off. The town is called Coalinga and the smell of cow manure permeates your nostrils from the moment you step off the bus. I got some taco bell, the other passengers acquire their meals at the variety of other classy establishments you can find at a Coalinga rest area. I'm pretty sure that food wasn't the only goods procured during the pit stop. I'll let your imagination wander on that one.

Everyone hobbles back on for what will be my last leg, but for some just their halfwas as they go on to Portland, Seattle and even Vancouver...

UNIMAGINABLE torture for those ones.

I noticed a delightful older black man earlier in the trip and brushed by him at the food stop. Something stuck out to me about him from the moment I stepped on that bus. In the middle of the insanity he seemed to be able to just sit back and laugh at it all... nothing seemed to affect him too greatly. I was getting close to being able to finally do that and as I got back on the bus I looked at where he was sitting and I saw a little black book sitting on his seat. It was open and I could see where he was reading in this little black book.

One of the epistles written to the early church, probably challenging the reader to recognize what's important in this life, to not sweat the small stuff and to endure much harder circumstances than the ones I had just been through.

Its funny how things pile up and how quickly, when we take a deep breath and look around us, those things that are piled up kinda just topple over and become so... trivial and elementary.

Patience, family, gratitude, stability, joy.

These are all things that God is desperately wanting me to appreciate more and prioritize above other trivial things such as...
money, comfort, food, girlfriend/wife, entertainment, stimulation.

Really my life is like this bus ride in more ways than I'd like to admit to.

Slow, tiring, insane, humorous, exhausting, expensive.

But the thing is that this bus is taking me somewhere I know is good, it's taking me to people that I'd die for in a heartbeat. The destination is so worth the journey. Every inch I get closer to these people I love melts away the moments previous. Despising the journey is just so not worth it.

God have mercy on me.